The Mechanics of Grief, and a Spicy Salmon Bagel
On heartbreak, grief, and how sometimes abortion is not a big deal.
Hi friends,
I make sandwiches and chat about sexism, misogyny, reproductive rights, and other stuff on TikTok and Instagram. I wrote about how it all started in this post. Thank you for being here. There’s a recipe for a delicious spicy salmon bagel below!
January is a tricky month. This January, I rang in the new year with a meditation on letting go, releasing things that no longer serve me, calling in all the growth-focused energy I could muster. I made a little video about greenery and healing, with this tiny cutting from a dead plant sprouting anew as a metaphor for all the goodness to come.
The year is off to a rollicking start, for sure — the sandwich project is growing every day, with boosts from incredible folks like the team at Feminist, and collaborations with new friends on the horizon. I’m super excited for you to see what’s coming up!
Aching, Breaking, Rebuilding
There are also sadnesses to navigate. I’ve got some complex grief around the losses of loved ones. And at the moment, one sadness for me is the ending of a significant relationship. “Let your heart fully break,” a friend advised me. “Then you’ll be able to heal.” The thing is, heartbreak is exhausting. Give me a seaside convalescence! Wrap me in linens and stick me in a wicker chair, cart me down to the ocean and dunk me in the icy water until my nervous system is shocked into regulation. I’ve been hearing a lot about cold plunges, and I think I’m ready to give them a shot. A few days ago I was weeping, attempting to let my heart fully shatter. If I’d driven to Malibu and plunged myself into the Pacific, I think I’d have gotten through that crying jag a lot quicker.
A few years ago, right after my father died, a friend of his came to check in on me. I was lying on the couch. She very firmly got me up and out of my parents’ house and took me on a grueling hike. I was panting up a hill after her, feeling upset and angry and resentful, when she turned to me and said, “This is all you can do. You have to move your body.” I understood what she meant. It was how she’d survived the loss of her daughter, who was killed by a drunk driver at the age of 21. She and my father would go skiing together in the years afterwards, not really speaking, puffing icy air through the cross-country ski trails up on the Barrens. She knew what I needed to do after my Dad died. She made me move my body, and I felt better that day.
Another friend was telling me recently about how aware she was of what she called “the mechanics of grief” — how she felt it in her throat, her chest, her stomach, her hands. It’s helpful to think of it in a clinical way, to note what hurts, and where, and why, and what it’s related to. Some of it is old, some of it new. I’m giving it all space. I think that’s why, despite this month being tricky, I feel good about what’s to come. I’m letting myself fully break, to rebuild.
Sometimes Abortion Is Not a Big Deal
I like engaging with the comments on my videos, whether it’s to scrap with a dude who’s telling me that the 19th Amendment should be repealed (meaning, women shouldn’t have the right to vote?!), or discussing a point with someone who’s ostensibly progressive. One commenter wanted me to acknowledge that abortion is a “big deal.” I understand that it can be an incredibly difficult decision to have to make. But I also do not believe that abortion is always a big deal.
I replied, “Sometimes a woman choosing abortion is simply doing so because a pregnancy does not fit in with her plans, and that is perfectly fucking fine.” I pointed out that over 60 percent of women choosing abortion are already mothers. “It is not your place to tell anyone what is and what is not a big deal,” I wrote. “It is their decision, and they certainly don’t need your fucking input on how you feel about it.”
(Side note: should I stop swearing so much in the comments?)
He responded “Do you want men to fight alongside you for this shit or not? Why are you so pissed I think it's a big deal? So it's my place to be pro-abortion, otherwise shut up? I guess I'll get my opinion from a woman and not form my own thoughts.”
I rolled up my sleeves and typed away like I was a secretary in an old-timey newsroom. I was incensed! “It is not your place to tell someone whether or not something is a big deal. Women who are choosing abortion do not need ANYONE to weigh in on whether or not their decision is a big deal. The amount of guilt that women are conditioned to feel in our society about making choices around our own bodies is already fucking insane.”
What I wanted to get across to @instamatty84 is that of course we want men to fight alongside us, but we do not need judgment or a total lack of awareness around how insane the pressures are that already exist when it comes to choosing abortion. Whether or not it's a big deal is up to the person experiencing the deal. The whole ‘abortion is murder’ talking point stems from people making the choice a ‘big deal’ when it is often not a big deal. Sometimes it is a regular piece of life.
I finished up with “My exhaustion, which you read as being pissed, stems from men telling women what is and what is not a big deal. All the fucking time.” And @instamatty84 simply wrote back, “OK.” I count that as a win!
A Feminist Spicy Salmon Bagel
I was blown away when Feminist shared my video about the US Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals ruling that hospitals in Texas aren't required to provide abortion in life-saving cases, despite federal guidance from the Biden administration. Here’s the original vid:
This particular sandwich was cobbled together from a few top-shelf ingredients along with some leftovers, and I gotta say, it ended up being one of my favorite sammies of all time! I was given a gorgeous pack of smoked salmon from Katfish Salmon Co. as a Christmas gift (thank you Amy!!). Katfish Salmon Co. is a woman-owned and operated sustainably caught salmon operation (be still my beating heart) out of Washington State. I combined her beautiful smoked Coho salmon with sour cream, potatoes and jalapenos on an everything bagel for a real explosion of flavor that just about matched my rage at the ruling. Here’s my recipe. Use whatever goodness you have on hand to make your own version!
Spicy Salmon Bagel
smoked salmon (preferably wild-caught from a joint like Katfish Salmon Co.)
jalapeño, thinly sliced
red onion, thinly sliced
leftover cold roasted potato, sliced
sour cream
butter
everything bagel
Make Yourself a Sandwich
Toast the bagel. Butter the bottom half, and stack it up with a ring of cold roasted potatoes. Layer on your smoked salmon, and top with sliced red onion. Spread a generous layer of sour cream on the top half of your bagel, and stack a ring of sliced jalapeno on that cool creaminess. Press the two halves together.
Tuck a napkin in your collar or lap, and eat with your eyes closed to shut out the patriarchy and bullshit rulings from federal appeals courts while feeling the deep gratification of your delicious sandwich, which you made for yourself. Enjoy!
Last Licks
My brilliant friend Sarah Aubrey is passionate about decarbonizing homes and transportation. She’s been walking the walk at her beautiful home in Sydney, Australia, and now she’s started an Instagram account, @electrify_this, to talk the talk. She’s making informational videos about everything from EVs to e-bikes, and heat pumps to induction stoves. She’s really pissing off the coal trolls, she cracked 1 million views with one of her vids this week, and she’s just getting started! Follow her for a glimpse of what the future could look like, if we’re smart about it.
That’s it for this week, friends. I’m sorry this tricky month got the best of me in some ways as far as writing goes, but I got the best of it in many other ways. I suplexed the shit out of some stuff this month. And I’m back to a regular writing schedule, STG. Thank you so much for being here. It means the world to me. More soon.
Much love, MJ ❤️
Heart break is brutal. Way back a few decades my fav aunt told me that when she had the breakup that she thought she would never recover from her partner of the last 40 years strolled into her life. And for me, that same thing happened. The love of my young life ditched me and I was crushed flattened. Then a few months later I ran into my friend Greg after not seeing him for a few months. And it was, like, 'Hey - you're single now? ME, TOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Hang in there and you'll end up better than ever - promise!