Everything You Need to Know When Someone You Love Is Dying

I'm making the workbook I wish I'd had.

My sister Caroline was diagnosed with cancer in November of 2018. It felt unreal — still does, even though she died in July 2021. When she called to tell me the news, all I could think to do was 1) get to her as quickly as possible, and 2) find every resource available to help us get through what we knew would be an impossibly hard time.

I figured there had to be a go-to list of materials on the subject. I asked friends who knew about death and dying if they had any recommendations. I wanted practical advice about planning, logistics, and guidance on how to deal with the emotional toll cancer would take on Caroline and those who loved her. There are some great books out there, but I didn’t find what I was looking for. I talked to my therapist a bunch, and did my best to figure things out, while my exceptional sister taught me how to live when you know you’re going to die. (Pro tip: Always celebrate!)

My mother was hospitalized in October 2023. Since my Dad’s death in 2016, Mum had been living alone in their beautiful old house with the support of home nurses and a caregiver, but it was determined that she couldn’t live on her own any longer. We moved her into a care facility. She was miserable. It was rough. Again, I wished I had a book that told me what to do — something that would help me work through everything bubbling up as I navigated a complex time with my complicated parent.

After my mother died last fall, I realized I could put together what I’ve learned. I can share the reading list I wish I’d had; DOs (do practice the ring theory) and DO NOTs (do not offer unsolicited advice); the checklist of things I didn’t know I would need to handle. It’s not a novel idea; I’ve come across a few end-of-life workbooks, but they’re written for the dying person. I want to create one for people who want to know what the fuck to do when someone close to them is facing death — and also, for folks who know someone helping a person they love face death. I’ll never forget my partner’s father telling me a few days after Caroline died, Well, Mary Jane, you need to get back to living. Bro, what the fuck. I wish I’d had a manual that prepared me for the insane shit people feel the need to say under the guise of being “helpful.” The entire end-of-life experience has an out-and-back ripple effect that we don’t talk about.

On that note, I don’t think this belongs in the workbook, but it’s a painful part of my experience that I want to share. It’s about being in a relationship with a person who’s supporting someone they love through the end of their life. If this is you, you should carefully consider your level of commitment to them, and be honest about it, even if it seems brutal.

When my sister got sick, I told the guy I was seeing I needed to focus on her; he assured me that he wanted to stick with me. We bubbled up together during the pandemic so I could be close to her. He spent many of her last good days with us. He spoke at her memorial, and came with me to scatter her ashes.

I later found out he’d been telling everyone and their dog that we were not (and never had been!!) in a relationship. I’ve written about this guy a bunch, and I honestly don’t need to write about him ever again, but I’ll never not be furious that he wasted my time while Caroline was alive. I wish he’d had the courage to tell me the truth. I wish I’d been able to see him for who he was. I wish he wasn’t in my memories of that time. I wish I didn’t have that heartache. If you’re dating someone who’s dealing with a loved one dying and you’re just not that into them, get your shit together and kindly exit the situation. You can say you'll be there for them as a friend. You can still offer them support. Be honest with yourself, and them. Please.

Anyway, I’m at the beginning of compiling this manual. I’m giving it the working title of Everything You Need to Know When Someone You Love Is Dying. I’ll post it here in stages. It’ll have housekeeping stuff, like documentation you’ll need, info on living wills and trusts, and how to handle social media legacy accounts. I’ll offer tips on emotional support, and how to take care of yourself. It’ll have ideas about how to deal with difficult family dynamics, and how to talk to someone who’s dying. (Another pro tip: don’t tell them they look good because they lost weight. This is a real thing that happened to my sister, and we laughed about it, but JFC, man).

I’ve created a vertical for Everything You Need to Know When Someone You Love Is Dying. Each installment will be free for one week. Paid subscribers will always be able to access all posts. Keep an eye on this space! And thank you for being here. I’m grateful for you.

Much love, MJ ❤️