Gossip Saves Lives & A Delicious Tomato Sammy
Gossip was demonized by the patriarchy - but it's how women protect each other
Hi friends,
I make sandwiches and chat about sexism, misogyny, reproductive rights, and other stuff on TikTok and Instagram. I wrote about how it all started in this post. There’s a recipe for a super simple delicious tomato sandwich below!
Am I writing this week’s newsletter a little tipsy? Mayyyybe so. My friend Natalie gifted me a bottle of Möet & Chandon a few days ago, and I popped it to mark some big shifts in my life this week — I mean, I know nothing about astrology, but have any of you felt this wild Pluto moving into Aquarius energy as of Jan. 20th? From VOGUE India (emphasis mine):
For the last 15 years, Pluto has been in Capricorn, driving global institutions, organisations and empires to success but as it enters Aquarius, it will influence transformation, personal growth, power dynamics, sexuality, revolution and technology, pushing us to plumb the depths of our subconscious.
That has absofuckinglutely been my experience this week. Thank you for being here, and for joining me as I continue to explore this sandwich project in a new era. It’s my passion, and my engine. And I’m strapped in to ride it to the moon.
Gossip Saves Lives
I was chatting recently with a friend about something I’d learned from another woman about a dude I knew, when my friend said, "Gossip saves lives. It's how we protect our sisters, ourselves, our children." Until very recently, I’d never, ever thought of gossip in that way. Growing up in a quasi-Anglican household, I was schooled in the adage of “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Which has proven about as useful to me as the ol’ “Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you.” I mean, fuck allll the way off with both of these parochial bits of nonsense — words have hurt me more more than any punches I’ve received.
Growing up in a quasi-Anglican household, I was schooled in the adage of
“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”
But that first one, the “Be nice or be quiet” garbage, is a controlling mechanism that kept me compliant through many things that I wish I’d had the balls (wait, no: ovaries!) to be way more punk rock about in my responses to the offenders. When Paul from Sheffield (I always hear it in his accent, “Paww frum Sheffiewdd”) a bar manager who was desperately trying to eff me when I was 24 and he was 38 told me, “Yewd be kewt if yew lost fieve pounds,” I smiled and nodded, clocking his sweaty brow and stained shirt as he signed my paycheck. A psychotic ex convinced me that he’d off himself if I told anyone the realities of our insane day-to-day, so I pasted on my '“I’m fine” face for everyone I knew, and said nothing… even when he was doing the most to be the absolute worst. I mean, I’ve got material. Along with every other person who was schooled to be nice.
Every woman and marginalized person on the planet has one zillion examples of not complaining about mistreatment in an attempt to not be seen as crazy/difficult/insert a trope here. We’ve been conditioned to not share our struggles — with grief, coping mechanisms, infidelity, heartbreak… but wow, this Pluto in Aquarius energy or whatever the hell is going on has fully energized me to share as much as I like. Which brings me back to gossip.
I recently learned about how the patriarchy redefined gossip from the excellent BBC podcast WITCH, hosted by India Rakusen. She has the most marvelous podcast voice: it’s buttery and conspiratorial, like her information is only meant for you, her sole listener, as she effortlessly toggles between gleeful and woeful while investigating death, birth, money, feminism, aging, power, and what being a witch has meant over the centuries, “from whispered warnings in folklore to pop-culture driven heights.” I especially loved Ep. 6, Midwives and Healers, and Ep. 8, Hag. Do yourself a favor and listen to the entire series.
Rakusen’s voice in my ears as I’ve been burning candles, doing laundry, and sweeping, has been as valuable as my bi-weekly talk therapy sessions, I swear. WITCH, along with Tara Brach’s invaluable mindfulness podcast, have been the rocks that I’ve clung to during my personal tempest.
Here are the Cliff’s Notes on gossip: the word dates back to the 12th Century, when the word godsibb meant a godparent or sponsor at a baptism. It eventually came to mean someone close to you, someone you could tell anything, and it was applied to both sexes… but gender roles and oppression played a huge role in redefining and demonizing the word.
In the Middle Ages, women hosted friendship meetings to discuss everything under the sun, from spouses to political issues. But female friendships were a target of the early modern European witch hunts, because men believed women would turn their backs on societal rules if they met up to share information. So, men made laws against women who gossiped. A 1547 proclamation “forbidding women to meet together to babble and talk,” ordered husbands to “keep their wives in their houses.” If a woman didn’t comply, she could be accused of being a witch, tortured, and killed. For talking.
Let's be clear, men gossip. Studies show that men and women gossip equally. But the men believe(d) that their gossip it was for important reasons. Like "networking."
Anyway, the whole “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” nonsense was blown up with the MeToo movement. Thank heavens. We all know that when women talk to each other, we’re often sharing information that could get us out of crappy situations. So chatter away, friends!
Letting Go of Something You Love
My main gig for the last 10 years has been writing about cannabis, psychedelics, and the counterculture. I’ve been tracking the legalization of medical marijuana and adult-use cannabis since 2007. I wrote for High Times for over a decade, and I’ve been a freelance writer since 2018, contributing to a number of outlets like Rolling Stone and Vox.
For the last six years, I’ve also co-hosted the Weed + Grub podcast with Mike Glazer. This week marked our final episode. We had an amazing run — going on adventures all over the world, smoking and snacking and hanging with the greatest guests on earth. Now we are moving on to other things. For a large chunk of the time, we were a romantic couple — and I’ve gotta say, it was pretty great to believe in someone who’s significant in your life when you’re going through significant things. I really felt like he was part of my family, and like I was part of his, when we were navigating some big life stuff.
Mike and I travelled all over the world — we went to Edinburgh, Amsterdam, Paris, Alaska, the Caribbean, to so many places! — during our six years together. I’ll always treasure the feeling of making things with someone you love who makes you laugh. It’s the only drug I’ll ever need, for real. Letting go of that feeling was difficult.
Now we’re springing off the springboard of our six years as a creative couple into new things, which is exciting! Here’s the last ep of W+G (there are like 350+ eps to listen to though):
Cole Brauer IS 2024
Now that we’ve moved through the feels, can we look at Cole Brauer? I swear to god every time I am screaming with joy every time I tune in to Cole’s Instagram. Cole Brauer is the 29 year old woman who is making HISTORY (god I hate that it’s HIStory but also I’m never gonna say HERstory, you’ll see me dead before I do) as the first female solo sailor to race around the world. Cole Brauer is our modern-day Amelia Earheart, and I cannot believe that we’re not all screaming about her all day every day.
Since her start, Brauer has twice set new 24 hour distance records for the course (220 and 265 nautical miles) and is consistently on the projected finishers podium, calculated based on each boat's performance up until that point. She’s going for it, and she’s 29, and she’s everything I’ve ever wanted to be. Follow her for a sense of why things could actually be ok, if we all pull our heads out of our asses.
The Best Tomato Sandwich
This recipe is unconnected to anything I’ve ranted about in this week’s newsletter, but damn, it’s a good sammy. If you haven’t seen the Shere Hite doc, go watch it now.
This delicious plant-based sandwich recipe is from Melissa Clark’s recipe at NYT Cooking.
Yield: 2 servings
4 slices crusty country bread
1 fat garlic clove, halved crosswise
1 ripe and soft tomato, halved
extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling
flaky sea salt
mayonnaise, as needed
1 ripe but firm tomato, sliced
thinly sliced white onion
Make Yourself a Sandwich
Toast the bread. Take each slice and rub one side all over with the cut side of the garlic clove. (The clove should start to disintegrate into the bread.) Rub each slice with the cut sides of the soft halved tomato, pressing so the tomato flesh sticks to the bread. Drizzle bread with oil, then sprinkle with salt.
Spread mayonnaise over the tomato pulp. Place the sliced tomatoes on top of 2 pieces of the bread. Cover tomato slices with onions and sprinkle with salt. Use the other 2 slices of tomato-rubbed bread to make sandwiches.
Tuck a napkin in your collar or lap, or eat over the sink with your eyes closed to shut out the patriarchy while feeling the deep gratification of your delicious sandwich, which you made for yourself. Enjoy!
Last Licks
Do you love feminism and delicious food? Well have I got the follow for you: Michelle Davis, the powerhouse behind Bad Manners, is striking out on her own with her brand new Stir the Pot Substack, and I’m so excited to watch her in this next era of recipe development, content creation and general badassery (if you follow her, you already know). Check her out. I fangirl every time I hang out with her because she’s so cool and smart and, also, her food is fucking ridiculously good.
I am so grateful to all of you who’ve stuck with me through the sticky parts, lately. I feel like I’m back on track. Thank you so much for being here. It means the world to me. More soon.
Much love, MJ ❤️
I followed you on insta but left that medium for my mental health... so happy I can still get your sweet wit and sammy reccs here!
Gossip saves lives… FUCK YEA IT DOES. Great read 👏🏼