Magic FTW
Embracing the woo as a way out of grief.
It’s no secret that I’ve been on the struggle bus. I’ve been living in the woods for the last several months, trying to map out what comes next in this one wild and precious life of mine, and it’s honestly been a bit of a mind fuck. I’d pinned everything on hearing back about a project that means the whole world to me, and I just… wasn’t hearing back. So I did what I’m really good at: turned on myself. I’m not hearing from them, I reasoned with the worst part of me, because I suck and nobody wants to work with me and who the fuck am I to think that I have anything to say that anyone would ever want to etc. etc. Jesus H Christ I’m exhausting. I’m sorry.
Anyway, I heard back, and it’s still a go. It’s just taking a while to hammer out the details. It turns out I don’t suck, things take time, and the worst part of me is incredibly solipsistic. Yuck. No one likes a solipsist, least of all me.
Much of my depressed navel-gazing has to do with the fact that I was not prepared to live this chapter of my life without family. My sister being gone is the most incomprehensible thing. She was my home, my guard rail, my North Star, my course corrector. She would have gently, lovingly laughed me out of my weepy bench-sitting and bed-rotting. She’d tell me to go look at a tide pool, pour myself a glass of bubbly, and phone a friend. She’d point out the magic of life without using the word magic. That would be woo-woo. She hated woo-woo.
But woo-woo, a.k.a. magic, has been a great comfort to me, and lately, I’ve made the conscious decision to embrace it. I’m creating rituals, casting spells, and deep dreaming, and I don’t give a shit if it’s woo-woo; it works. A few evenings ago, I lit a candle and sent a call out to my family: Please be here with me in any way you can. I dreamed of the three of them that night, my mum, dad, and sister. I heard them say my name. The next day, I took a nap and dreamed that my sister’s friend Liz showed me there were hummingbirds in my closet. I texted her when I woke up. What an amazing dream, she texted back. I wonder what it meant?
I told her about the time when we were sitting in Caroline’s garden, not long before she died, and her hospice nurse looked up at a hummingbird zooming around us and said, “they’re soul conductors, you know?” I said maybe it was a dream about soul connections. Then I took Archie on our daily walk, through the woods and down to the beach. As were strolling along the shore, Archie snuffling around in the tideline for his favorite snack of rancid crab, there was a loud chirping overhead. I looked up as a hummingbird zoomed at me from the treeline, hovered above me for a moment, looked me dead in the eye, and zoomed off. Then a second hummingbird did the same: chirp, zoom, hover, regardez-moi, zoom. And then, a third, exactly like the two before. Looking up into its brilliant little black eyes, I laughed. Off it zoomed.
The woo! The magic! I asked to be connected to my family, and I got hummingbird mail IMMEDIATELY. And honestly, my sister pretending to be anti-woo is hilarious; she told me in the letter she left me to open the day after she died that she’d be with me. She wrote,
If you need to find me, I’ll come with you swimming in rivers and walking near the ocean. Under the sweet scent of balsam fir, cedar, and salty air.
I’ve felt lighter this week, leaning into the magic. I’m trusting it. So I’m getting off the struggle bus at this stop. My time in the woods is coming to an end, and I’m mapping my re-entry into city life. I’ve got sandwiches to make, and hot topics to hold forth on (except for weighing in on the Lindy West saga, I will not be doing that thank you). I’ve got spells to cast, and cards to pull!
On that note, I’m adding my Tarot practice to the list of things I love to do, and want to share. I’m offering a Tarot reading to everyone who signs up as a founding member. If you’re already a paid subscriber, THANK YOU — and your subscription has been upgraded to founding member.
I’ve deepened my Tarot practice over the last year through studying with Lindsay Mack, founder of Tarot for the Wild Soul, and with my friend and mentor Lucy. I’ve gotten some great feedback on my readings, and I’m delighted to open up this part of my witchy little heart to you all. If you’re a founding member, send me a message, and we’ll get your reading booked!
Thank you for being here, for bearing with me, for everything you do.
Love, MJ ❤
Oh, goddess. I loved this post so much. Thank you for being here. 💜 (I always feel like 3 geese flying overhead are my brother and parents saying hello.)
What a wonderfully assortment of woo!!! Beautifully told my friend xoxo